Food for thought ...

A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.


Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

-
Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-
Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

.......

I guess you could say I have been dreading writing this, but so many people have called and said extra prayers that I have yet to respond to. I am in a state of shock, one that I did not think I was going to experience again. When I say again, this is our 4th little angel to go to heaven, our 3rd this year. It has been one of those years that seems like it is never going to end. This little baby was a live and kicking 2 weeks ago, but on Wed. morning I woke up with a need to hear her HB, I don't know why, I was feeling just fine. So I called the doctor and I stopped in that morning with the kids. We had a picnic lunch packed for after the appt. to eat at a park on our way home since I was making them go to the doctor and interferring with playtime:) That is when my world stopped again, our little girl was no longer with us. When it comes to m/cs doctors don't always have answers. I thought I had gotten my answer in April when I found out I was diagnosed with Antiphospholipid syndrome, a blood clotting disorder that was causing my babies to not make it. An answer, yes, that is what we wanted and there was medicine too that would help me carry to full term, yes, that is what we wanted to here.

But, as of right now, the doctor does not think I was on a high enough dose. It is a deadly drug and they were taking their percausions on my dosage since I had no previous blood clots. My heart is breaking thinking that might have changed everything, and maybe I will never know. I don't know what our future holds, we appreciate the concerns, but our future is for Nolan and I to decide. Dakota and Sadi are our life right now and they are what get me through my days:) Thank you all again for the prayers, they are working because as everyday goes by I become more at peace with this part of my life that I am in.

Dakota & Sadi:)




Can't forget about my other babies:) Dakota is my little helper and aunt Nikki's little helper too!! He snapped peas for her all morning:) Sadi is our little wild child who right now loves to climb the stairs when you leave the gate open and go into Dakota's room and climb on his bed and look out the window!! Naughty!! Enjoy the pictures.



13 weeks, 2nd Trimester:)!!!!


Well, the dreaded belly pictures have started:) Baby is for sure showing:) We had a 1 trimester screening on Tuesday and baby looked great, measurements were great and blood test turned out great too!! At the end of the ultrasound Nolan asked the tech. if she could tell us what we were having, I thought heck no, way to early! BUT, she said with her machine she gives pretty confindent answers around 13-14 weeks, so she said since we were 12 weeks 3 days, she would give us a guess:) She looked around and she ...

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A GIRL:) Well, we will see for sure in 4 more weeks if she is right:) But, I had mommy intuition that is was a girl too:)

Heartbeat was great, measured 3 days big, so that is great.




Baby wouldn't move it's little hands out of the front of it's face the entire time:)